The Captain visited Rutland Water last week, for a lengthy stake-out, in the hide, with the field glasses. Red Throated Divers a bit thin on the ground; and Black Throated Divers, for that matter. Still, there has been a Slavonian Grebe about, which is one more than last year Plenty of Coot, Tufted Ducks tailing off The first Smew is due. Captain’s long-range weather forecast: it’s going to be a cold, cold winter. In Balham, the squirrels’ eyes are watering; that’s an infallible sign. Did you see, by the way, that if you say the weather tomorrow will be the same as today, you will achieve a 77 per cent success rate? Try it.

Captain’s other long-range forecast: Ian McCaskill will be appearing in pantomime in Windsor from Wednesday. Next!t BBRRNNGG! The telephone, and on it, Duane, my showbiz man, again He will have to go some to better the Delia stuff. “Captain, Jess Conrad, pop singer, quite big in the Sixties, you must remember ‘Cherry Pie’, one week at number 39 in June, 1960, or ‘This Pullover’, which didn’t do quite so well. His framed birth certificate went for pounds 400 in a charity auction at the weekend, bought by comedy star Brian Conley!” I am, I have to say, a bit doubtful about this one, even if Jess is appearing with Otis the Aardvark in Robin Hood at the Royal Theatre, Hanley, from 17 December. It does, after all, have to jostle for space with another exclusive, the closeting together at Highgrove of the Prince of Wales, Chris Woodhead, the schools inspector chappie, and Melanie Phillips, the fierce social commentator. What can it mean? Compulsory Latin unseens for all seven-year-olds, probably. Ave!t FINALLY, my acclaimed Moonlight Miscellany, a thing of snippets, asides and fascinating exclusives.

First, a message on the hotline from a delightful lady in Florence, claiming to be a farther-flung reader than Mr Meek of Vienna. I couldn’t catch the name, but she wanted to hear about my exploits as a war correspondent! Sadly, no space this week; none, either, for my mother- in-law, translator from the Norwegian of Stains And How To Remove Them, to lend her weight to the campaign by translators to have their names on the front of the book instead of buried inside. New acquisitions at the Rutland County Museum in Oakham: a carpet beater, donated by Mrs Small, and a striped picnic tea cosy, from Mrs Atkinson. Did you know that Whitwell is twinned with Paris? Or that the Luxembourg finance minister is called Goebbels? The picture, up over there? Mr Baresel of Chelsea, my art-dealing reader, is exhibiting erotica This is a bit Can’t make out much, myself. And these just in from Duane: Sir Robin Day seen dining with Lorraine Chase a deux in a fancy restaurant in Elizabeth Street. Can that be right? And Elisabeth Murdoch, you know, the daughter, the TV mogulette, has planted two gum trees in front of her house in Notting Hill Just the thing to share a tinnie under. Advance Australia Fair! Bye!WELL, it’s one way to ensure absolute obedience from a spaniel, but I’m not sure the RSPCA would recommend it! I know a week in politics is long time, but you wouldn’t think this was the same William Hague who so confidently approached the despatch box on Wednesday, would you? Still, his ploy of enlisting has certainly pulled the party back behind him, though not everyone is happy with the appointment of Nicholas Parsons (right) as Chief Whip, despite his experience handling quiz panels.