Political comedy, so we’re told, is as dead as the Tories’ chances of winning the next election Which puts Harry Enfield in a rather tricky position. In the next fortnight he’s got two new political comedies coming out: Norman Ormal, a spoof documentary for BBC1 about a despicably opportunistic politician; and St Albion Parish News, an ITV reworking of the Private Eye column in which “the Reverend” Tony Blair writes his parishoners an insufferably sanctimonious newsletter. “I hope people aren’t bored with politics – otherwise these programmes will be a turn-off,” Enfield sighs. If you hang up immediately at that point, you will drive them to distraction by interrupting their conversation to no purpose. The optimum time to wait is three “The number you are calling is”.

Any shorter than that ,and you give them no time to explain, apologise, drop the phone, hit the wrong keys and finally switch channels. Any longer than that, and they really want to call you back on 1471.Knotty problems with the world today? Write to The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL, where you will be treated with the customary sympathy. By the time you get that madwoman (who I am convinced taught me English, very badly, at school), instructing you to hold on, the person already talking will have heard two beeps and will be telling the person they’re talking to that they have to take another call. It may look as if all your friends are sucking on ball- points, but will save a lot of tears in the long run.What’s the etiquette for “call waiting”? How long do you stay on the line, beeping away, until you give up?Craig, NeasdenThe main thing to remember is that there is a lull between what you hear and what the person on the other end hears. Not only does it make me wheezy, but it makes my eyes water and gives me the most awful hangovers. Do I really have to put up with it in my house?Claire, BangorNo, darling, of course you don’t. However, if you love your smoking friends and want them to come round to your house without stripping the wallpaper off with their fingernails, starting fights or going into gloomy silences, you could think about keeping a few well-washed Nicorette inhalators about the place.

These are only minor irritations compared with picking up someone’s Shreddies off the bedroom floor for the next 50 years.Following on from last week’s smoking queries, smoking genuinely makes me ill: I think I’m allergic to it. That way, not only will it save you having to talk to every deadbeat your husband still calls a friend, but only the really obtuse will fail to get the message.Oh, but do remember to be happy. After the wedding, keep your two full names, not just your forenames, on it. Part of the point of marriage is that you’re supposed to back each other up and help each other out, and if it’s your husband making the announcement that will make it clear that this is a decision you’re both happy with.Also, given that there will be people who won’t be there, harness that marvel of modern technology, the answering machine. Tell your parents, and his, and the chances are that if they think it at all weird, they will discuss it with everyone in their acquaintance, thereby putting the word around without you having to do too much work.As to the speech, by all means mention the fact at the wedding, but there’s a subtler and firmer way to do it. As everyone who objects to women retaining the name they’ve had over the years preceding the wedding seems to do so from some twisted belief that it is “selfishness” on her part, the person who should make the announcement is the man whose surname you are not taking. I once backed down on pushing the point myself with a man of about 70 when he cried, “but it’s a natural law!”, and I realised that he was almost in tears.As I’m sure you know, it’s an emotive subject, and one, fortunately, that our children’s generation are unlikely to be having to deal with when it comes to their turn Gentle firmness is the answer.

These were the little patches in front of the windows, and if you climbed in, someone usually had to pull you out again.
We’d also tie door-knockers together. We’d say: “Charlie’s father is good because he gets mad as hell, and comes and chases us.” So we would wait until it was dark, and tie the end of a reel of cotton to the knocker on Charlie’s door. Then we’d walk to the opposite side of the road, and tap the door by pulling the string. The door would open, but they wouldn’t be able to see anything, because the streets were not lit as they are today. The thing was not to giggle, and the only one who was really frightened was Charlie, because if we’d been caught, he’d have got his head cuffed.Eventually Charlie’s father would come out and look up and down the street, and say something that he shouldn’t say to children – “You little buggers” – and we would disappear into the darkness.Thelwell’s `The Brat-race’, his well known cartoons of small children and horses, is published in paperback by Methuen, price pounds 6.99.

Dear Serena,

If you’re in a restaurant, and the food is hideous, how do you respond when some jolly member of staff comes up and asks you if everything’s OK?
Prabjot, RichmondLook, sweetie: if someone’s food is hideous, they know it’s hideous. If someone comes up and says, “How’s your food? Is it good?”, pause, fix them with a beady eye and say: “It’s exactly how I expected it to be, thanks.” That way you can be catty without having to waste time talking to a crap chef.I am getting married next year and intend to keep my maiden name How do I tell my intended’s family without causing offence. Would it be rude to include this in my wedding speech?Dido, LondonThe business of naming is an odd one. Why society seems to think that a woman’s name should be an impermanent thing is something that never ceases to amaze me, especially given the number of name changes certain women are likely, statistically, to go through in their lifetimes. You’d have thought that this patronising and schizophrenic tradition would have been one of the first to go as women who had slaved to establish themselves professionally got stroppy about having to ring all their clients and tell them they’d changed into a Brown overnight (funnily enough, few women seem to object to changing from Brown to, say, Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, but that’s another story) But amazingly, the expectation trundles on. THERE WERE lots of games in the street.